Konoha's Dating Festival
by joyrid3
Summary: Once a year, Konoha's kunoichi are put through a terrible trial! They have to randomly date many of their fellow shinobi. But the girl that gets the most votes is named "most desirable" and gets a lifetime supply of kunai and shuriken. On with the comedy!
1. Chapter 1

**N/A:** I think this is my first shot at Naruto comedy :) Thanks to everyone who wrote such wonderful, funny stories to inspire me!

**Disclaimer:** I think Kishimoto-sensei would be mad if he saw the way I'm butchering his Naruto :)

**1: Foreplay**

"Eh? Me? Why me first?" Hinata blushed severely, looking at the bowl in front of her. It was filled with boys names and she was supposed to draw the one she'd date first.

"Because I say so!" Tsunade's tone left no room for argument. "Now draw!"

Hinata closed her eyes, sticking her hand into the bowl.

_Please, let it be Naruto-kun…_

She took the small piece of paper out with trembling hands.

"Well?" Tsunade urged her.

Hinata's shoulders slumped from disappointment.

"Sasuke-kun."

"WHAT?!" Sakura and Ino exclaimed at the same time.

"I…I can draw again…" Hinata tried.

"Out of the question." Tsunade said.

"I can't believe it!" Ino complained loudly. "She's not even happy about it!"

"What I wouldn't give to date Sasuke-kun…" Sakura followed her own train of thought. Ino glared at her.

"Well at least it's Hinata and not you, forehead girl." she said.

"What's that supposed to mean, Ino-pig?" Sakura snapped.

_It means Hinata could never woo Sasuke-kun, you stupid little pink-haired…_

"Now now girls. It's your turn." Tsunade interrupted them. "Sakura, if you please."

Now that Sasuke's name had been drawn from the bowl, Ino had no worries.

Sakura grabbed a piece of paper indifferently.

"Hyuuga Neji." she said without enthusiasm.

"WHAT?" It was Tenten's turn to exclaim.

Ino smirked. The arrogant genius wouldn't give Sakura a second look and one of the most troublesome boys had been eliminated. It was her turn.

She placed her hand inside the bowl, moving her fingers through the thin pieces of paper, until she finally grabbed one.

"Oh, give me a break!" she sighed, throwing the shrivelled note away. "SHINO." she spat.

Sakura burst into laughs, looking at her victoriously.

"I thought you hated bugs, Ino-chan."

"Not as much as I hate you." Ino promptly replied.

Tenten, who the last to draw, approached the bowl with little interest.

"Akimichi Choji." she spoke in an even tone.

"Now girls, we shall inform the boys in question. Go make yourselves beautiful for tonight!" Tsunade said.

"I'm afraid that's impossible for some…" Ino spoke aloud, glancing towards Sakura.

"You should talk, piggy!" Sakura shot back.

"I said, go!" Tsunade's voice thundered and the kunoichi rushed out.

ooooOOoooo

_Oh, this is JUST great. I have to get the most votes, I just have to!_ Ino thought, eying herself in the mirror.

_But what the hell should I ware tonight­? Antennas?_

She sighed, settling for a black, V cropped dress. Any guy falls for some cleavage, right?

Letting her hair down, Ino sighed again. Why did Hinata have to end up with Sasuke-kun anyway?

In the comfort of her room, Hinata opened the closet. She didn't care much about what she was going to wear, since had little to no appreciation for Uchiha Sasuke.

She settled for a dark blue dress that reached her knees. It was pretty decent, only exposing her shoulders.

Throwing it on the bed, Hinata placed herself in front of the mirror. Really, she wasn't looking forward to tonight at all.

_At least no one else got Naruto-kun…_

Sakura tried on her tenth outfit, posing in front of the mirror. It wasn't like she cared about Hyuuga Neji, even if he was second best to Sasuke-kun…but she wasn't going to let Ms. Ino-pig get more votes than her. Not in a million years. This was a battle to the death!

Turning around to make her short pink dress swirl, she realized it was the best choice. After all, even a genius couldn't resist a bit of cleavage…

Tenten hated wearing dresses. She was definitely NOT wearing one, not even if she were to go out with Neji. Well…maybe for Neji…

She shook her head, chasing the thoughts away. That annoying pink-haired cry-baby, the one that Lee liked, was going out with _her_ Neji.

Well, it could've been worse. As Tenten thought about it, she realized she had no reason to fret. Neji didn't like weak women.

Anyway, opening her closet she took out a pair of elegant black pants and a red top. It's not like she wanted to impress anyone…

ooooOOoooo

The boys were all gathered in one of the Academy's many classrooms, waiting for news of their dates.

"Please, let it be Sakura-chan!" Naruto prayed.

"Please, don't let it be Sakura!" Sasuke prayed.

"Look at those idiots." Kiba said, nudging Shino. "They actually care about this stupid date thing…how dumb, right?" He started laughing nervously.

"Perhaps you'll end up with Hinata." Shino replied in an even tone.

"Wha…what?" Kiba's cheeks flushed red. "It's not like I care…"

In the other side of the room, Lee's eyes burned with the power of youth.

"Sakura-san! I'll make you happy!"

Neji shook his head, sighing.

"You don't mean to tell me you aren't rooting for one maiden in particular, huh, Neji?" Lee asked him.

"Not really." Neji replied indifferently. "I just hope I don't get stuck with the annoying blonde from the forest of death."

Lee raised a bushy eyebrow.

"Or Hinata-sama. That would be uncomfortable." Neji added.

"So basically you wish to get either Tenten or Sakura-san." Lee said, drawing closer to his team mate.

"Yeah, whatever." Neji replied.

"Then you are my rival!" Lee exclaimed. Neji backed up, trying not to be contaminated by the power of youth.

A few desks away, Choji watched their argument with interest.

"They look really enthusiastic, Shikamaru." Choji said.

No answer.

"Shikamaru?"

His friend opened sleepy eyes.

"What?"

"You fell asleep now? Aren't you excited at all?"

Shikamaru yawned.

"No. I think it's troublesome."

"But who would you like to get?" Choji insisted.

"Well, we're gonna date them all anyway, it's just a matter of time." Another yawn followed.

"But who would you _want_ to date?"

"Honestly? No one." Shikamaru replied indifferently.

"Okay, put it this way, who would you _not want_ to date?"  
"Ino." Shikamaru replied promptly. "And Sakura. They're the same. Loud and bossy and troublesome and obsessed with Sasuke. No thanks."

"I wouldn't mind Ino…" Choji whispered more to himself.

"You're very brave then, my friend." Shikamaru told him, letting his head fall in his hands.

Suddenly, the classroom doors opened and Tsunade stepped in.

"I'll nominate the first four. Pay attention!"

The boys stopped chatting and turned hopeful and frightened eyes towards the Hokage.

"Uchiha Sasuke!"

Sasuke looked as if he were hit by a train. Naruto glared at him.

"Hyuuga Neji!"

Neji got up indifferently. Lee glared at him.

"Aburame Shino!"

Shino didn't show any expression. Kiba regarded him with envy.

"And Akimichi Choji!"

Choji got up, looking surprised. Shikamaru yawned again. "Thank God, I'm safe for now…" he said, patting his friend on the back. "Good luck, you'll need it."  
"You four come with me. Everyone else, return to your activities."

The small group followed Tsunade out of the classroom and headed towards her office.

"You'll come in one at a time." she said, stopping in front of the door. "Sasuke, you're first."  
With the look of a man who had accepted his destiny, Sasuke stepped into her office. He was the Uchiha survivor, the genius of his class…he told himself. He couldn't be scared of such a trifling thing as a…date. Even if it could be with…Sakura…or Ino. Sasuke swallowed hard.

"You were drawn by…"

Sasuke's heartbeat accelerated and he held his breath. He was sure he could hear the sound of a drum roll…

"Hyuuga Hinata." Tsunade finished.

Sasuke felt as if he was going to faint from relief. Before he could control himself, he practically jumped on Tsunade, embracing her.

"Thank you! Oh, thank you!" His eyes barely kept the tears at bay.

"Yes, well…" Tsunade spoke, pealing him off her. "You may go. Ask Neji to come in."

Sasuke did as he was told and exited the room, beaming.

Neji came in and shut the door behind him, his expression impossible to read.

"You were picked by…" Tsunade started, looking at him through the corner of her eye. To tell the truth, she rather enjoyed torturing them like that.

Neji looked as if he could handle anything she had to throw at him, so she continued, annoyed.

"Haruno Sakura."

Neji quirked an eyebrow, seeming a bit worried.

"She isn't the…blonde one, right?"

"Hyuuga Neji! You don't even know the names of our kunoichi?" Tsunade seemed offended.

"Sure I do!" He protested. "There's Tenten and Hinata-sama and…" he paused. Tsunade's eyes pierced into his. "…and the blonde one and the pink-haired one". He finished sheepishly.

Tsunade rolled her eyes.

"You've got the pink-haired one."

"Oh." Neji sounded relieved.

"Be ready for tonight. Send Shino in as you leave."

Neji bowed and left the room.

Shino took his place inside of the room and Tsunade looked at him curiously.

_Damnit! I can't see his expression because of that damned hood and those sunglasses!_

"You've got Yamanaka Ino." she told him hastily.

_I can't have any fun with this one._

Shino nodded in acceptance, showing no reaction whatsoever.

"Fetch me Choji." Tsunade told him.

As the last "victim" entered the office, Tsunade had already gotten bored with her duty. Choji looked like such a nice kid, she could feel no joy in playing with his mind. He didn't deserve it, like those arrogant little noble clan brats.

"You've got Tenten." she told him kindly.

"Oh." He seemed a bit disappointed, but the expression was quickly replaced with a smile. "I'll do my best."

"I'm sure you will, dear. Now go get ready."

"Yes, Hokage-sama." Choji bowed and left the room.

ooooOOoooo

Sasuke looked at his image in the mirror, straightening his posture.

"Hello handsome." he spoke, smirking. It was only normal that all the girls liked him, I mean…look at that body…and those piercing eyes. He had forgotten that only a few hours ago he was scared out of his mind by the prospect of dating Ino or Sakura.

Now, don't get the wrong idea. Sasuke had just as many hormones as any other boy his age and one of his dreams was to revive the Uchiha clan. But he couldn't allow his heirs to have blonde, or even worse, PINK hair! I mean what was going to become of the Uchiha?

Definitely not.

So looking at the girls his age, he had admitted that only Tenten and Hyuuga Hinata were acceptable. Unfortunately, both of those girls were blind! I mean how could they look at other men, while he was around? Neji he could understand…the guy was…let's say acceptable, but NARUTO?! Despite of her bloodline limit, Hinata _must have_ been blind.

Or perhaps she thought he would never take an interest in her?  
Sasuke ran a hand through his dark locks and eyed the mirror confidently.

_Purpose: revival of the Uchiha clan!  
_

Neji looked at the time, appearing bored. He was ready for a half an hour now. It's not like a good-looking guy like him needed time to prepare. He just wanted to get this date thing over with, so he could focus on what he really wanted: POWER!

It was fortunate that he didn't get hooked up with the blonde banshee though, she was more than a handful. And she'd probably be pissed because he rejected her at the Chuunin exams.

This pink-haired girl, damnit if only he could remember her name! He was sure it had something to do with the color of her hair, but he just couldn't put his finger on it. She seemed…acceptable. She wasn't all that pretty, but surely the best choice. Tenten would just drool over him the whole night and Hinata-sama was…well…out of the question.

Only 10 more minutes. The sooner it started, the sooner it was going to be over.

Shino simply sat on his bed, waiting for time to pass. He had been uncomfortable while changing into a tux, because the bugs inside of him were getting restless. But he kept his sunglasses. It was better this way.

He didn't really root for anyone in this dating festival. He honestly didn't care one way or the other.

This Yamanaka Ino…he believe she was the blonde on Asuma's team. She was quite pretty, for one who cared about these sorts of things.

His parents had told him the Yamanakas own Konoha's best flower shop. He had been happy to learn this…bugs liked flowers.

Choji sighed, getting up. It was almost time and he had to go pick up Tenten. He was going to be there early, to show how much of a gentleman he was. The only thing bothering him was that he had nothing to do with this girl. He had never even talked to her…To tell the truth that wasn't his biggest irk. He was a sociable person so he didn't fear those embarrassing moments of silence. But he did hope to date someone else…someone he couldn't possibly ask out.

He sighed again, trying to put up a happy face. After all, he still had a few chances.

**A/N**: That's it for chapter one! I chose the most unlikely pairings I could think of for the first date :) Review if you liked it and even if you didn't! I'll try to update soon.


	2. Chapter 2

**2: Nothing good can come of this**

Shino rang the door bell with an impassive expression. He viewed this "date festival" as a mission he simply had to complete.

A blond man opened the door, smiling widely at him.

"Hello there, Shino. Ino will be out in a moment. You know how girls are!" he started to laugh.

Shino nodded, although he had no idea what Mr. Yamanaka was talking about. The only girl he had a closer relationship with was always on time to everything.

"Ah, there she is now! Mustn't keep your date waiting, princess!" Mr. Yamanaka spoke, moving away from the doorstep to make room for his daughter.

"Yes, _father_." Ino spoke, glaring at him.

"Well…you two have a good time!" Inoichi said, hurrying to shut her door so his daughter wouldn't see him giggle.

Ino took a deep breath and forced on her most brilliant smile.

"Shino-kun! I'm so happy to go out with you."  
_AS IF!_

"It's a pleasure, Yamanaka-san." he bowed. "I didn't know which flowers you like, so I picked some myself. I hope you find them satisfactory."

_Picked them himself…?_

Ino stared at the bouquet of violets in Shino's hand.

"How did you know I like purple?"  
"It's the most noble of colors." he replied.

Suddenly Ino was seeing him in a different light. He seemed to know a lot more than she gave him credit for. And he didn't look half-bad in a tux…the sunglasses were a nice touch too…gave him a badass sort of look.

"Thank you." She beamed, taking the bouquet. "Where are we going?"

"I took the liberty of making reservations at "The Bloody Kunai"." He told her nonchalantly.

"_The Bloody Kunai"? That's like THE most expensive restaurant in Konoha! And it's shinobi exclusive…_

Ino stared.

"Shall we? You look wonderful tonight, by the way." Shino said, offering her his arm.

Ino blinked.

_This is…Shino?!_

ooooOOoooo

Sasuke made his way to the Hyuuga residence slowly, figuring he should be at least ten minutes late. I mean, he was THE last Uchiha (well that back-stabbing brother of his didn't count, he was as good as dead anyway) and he should act with pride. He had to show the Hyuuga he considered himself superior.

Straightening his bow-tie, he rang the door bell.

"Yes…?" an old lady answered the door.

"I'm here for Hyuuga Hinata." he said in an arrogant tone.  
"Speak up sonny, I can't hear you." the old lady told him.

"I said, I'M HERE FOR HYUUGA HINATA!." Sasuke yelled.

"Oh! Well why didn't you say so? Come in, come in. Hiashi-_sama_ is expecting you."

Sasuke rolled his eyes, stepping in. It was just a date festival, why did he have to meet with her father?

He couldn't hide the fact that he disliked the Hyuuga for considering themselves above the Uchiha clan. Well he'd show the old geezer what the Uchiha were made of!

"Well don't just stand there, boy!" the old woman said, pulling him after her.

Hiashi was standing on a futon, sipping his tea and his superior attitude was driving Sasuke nuts. He had been standing there for like five minutes and the leader of the Hyuuga had yet to notice him.

Sasuke coughed loudly.

"Oh, you're finally here." Hiashi spoke, dignifying him with a glance.

Sasuke nodded, not bothering to hide his resentment.

"You're ten minutes late." Hiashi noticed.

"I'm aware of than, Hiashi-_san_." He had added _san_ on purpose, knowing everyone addressed him by Hiashi-_sama_.

Hiashi narrowed his eyes at him, but Sasuke sustained his gaze unwavering.

"Hinata!" he finally called, annoyed.

A sound of rushing footsteps filled the room and Hinata burst in.

"Yes, father?"

"Your…_date_ is here."

"Oh…" Hinata spoke, blushing. "How do you do?" she adressed Sasuke.

"I'm very pleased to be going out with you." Sasuke answered. "May we go?" he asked, losing his patience.

_Honestly, the Hyuuga were such stuck-up, arrogant bastards…_

Hiashi gestured them to leave, concentrating on his tea again.

As Sasuke exited the room, he heard him mumble:

"Just Hinata's luck to pick an _Uchiha_ of all people."

Hinata heard it too and looked as Sasuke, who had turned red with anger. She gently touched his shoulder.

"Can we just go…please?"

She heard him breathe in deeply, probably to calm down and he walked away with determined footsteps.

When they were out of the house, Hinata pulled his arm, making him stop.

"Thank you. I'm sorry about my father. He can be…tiring."

Sasuke shrugged.

"Don't mention it."

Suddenly, he felt a mental slap.

_Be nicer, you idiot! Remember! The plan is to revive the Uchiha!_

Sasuke knit his eyebrows at the annoying thought. Well, annoying or not, it was true. From now, it wasn't a date. It was _a mission_!  
"I have taken it upon myself to make reservations for us at "The bloody Kunai"." he told her, flashing a brilliant smile.

_Now that should impress her!_

"Uhm…Okay. My family dines there often. They have good food." she answered politely.

_I'm so bored of that place!..._Hinata thought.

"I'm glad you think so. Shall we go?" he asked, offering her his arms.

Hinata nodded, letting a small sigh escape her lips.

_If I were with Naruto-kun, he'd probably take me to Ichiraku's! _

The thought made her smile warmly and Sasuke felt proud of himself for making her feel so good.

ooooOOoooo

Neji rang Sakura's doorbell, checking his wristwatch again. Five minutes late. Perfect.

As he waited for her to answer, he eyed the exterior of her house with little interest. The Haruno residence was certainly not much to look at, not compared to his estate anyway.

Why such a noble clan as the Hyuuga would be forced to mingle with the commoners, he would never understand.

"Oh, Hyuuga Neji-sama!" a middle-aged woman exclaimed, opening the door. She had bright pink hair, just like Sakura. "It's such an honour to have you take my little girl on a date!" she beamed at him.

Neji nodded, his expression the perfect mix of arrogance and cold politeness.

"Shannaro!" Sakura yelled from somewhere inside the house. "Mom, don't you have other things to do?"

_There she goes, embarrassing me again!_

"Are you ready dear? Mustn't keep the young man waiting!"

Sakura straightened her dress and quickly replaced her angry expression with a brilliant smile, as she stepped out.

"Neji-kun! Sorry to keep you waiting."

"No problem." he replied, offering her his arm.  
She wasn't bad-looking, but her choice of apparel was nothing short of a strain on the eyes. I mean wasn't it enough that she had pink hair? She had to wear a matching dress too?

"You look…nice." he said, figuring this was the sort of thing he was supposed to say.

Sakura blushed, lowering her eyes.

"Thank you."

"Shall we go? I hope you like "The Bloody Kunai"."

_Figures that Hyuuga Neji would pick the hottest restaurant in town!_ Sakura thought, smiling at him.

"Oh, almost forgot." Neji handed her a small box wrapped us a present.

"For me? Oh, you shouldn't have!" Sakura unwrapped it quickly, finding a small bottle of perfume.

"Sakura blossoms…"

_How unoriginal…_

"I just love it!"

Neji smirked, satisfied with himself. Really girls were so easy to impress.

ooooOOoooo

Choji waited patiently on Tenten's sofa, while the girl was busy preparing herself upstairs. It wasn't her fault; really, he had arrived five minutes early.

Tenten had no parents and Choji felt kind of sad for her as he fidgeted with his bow tie nervously.

He took a small bag out of his pocket, wondering if she would like what he had gotten for her. He didn't really know her at all so at first he thought about buying some flowers. But fortunately, he had run into Lee as he was going to Yamanaka's flower shop.

"_Flowers for Tenten?" Lee laughed. "__She is a flower of course, like all girls are, but I think she'd appreciate a kunai or two more."_

And Choji had taken his advice to heart and even told his father about it. Choza had helped his son happily to prepare a little surprise for his date. He was still nervous, not knowing if she'd like it or not.

"I'm ready! Sorry I made you wait." Tenten said, walking down the stairs.

_He certainly isn't much to look at…_she thought.

"Oh, I didn't mind at all! Uhm…" he handed her the small bag. "This is for you."

_But he seems very polite and thoughtful._

"Thank you." said Tenten and her eyes widened as she took her surprise out of the bag. It was the most beautiful kunai she'd ever laid eyes on! On the shiny surface a TT made of small sparkling crystals was encrusted.

"It's not really useful in real battle…it sticks out too much and it's not wise to throw weapons with your initials on them, but I hope you like it." Choji said, a bit flustered.

Tenten looked at him with wide eyes, seeing him in a totally new light.  
"It's beautiful! I love it! Thank you."

Choji smiled happily.

"Also, I didn't know which place you'd like more so I picked "The Bloody Kunai", because…well the name sounded like something you'd like."

Tenten started to laugh, which made Choji a little more embarrassed.

"You were right! Let's go."

She took his arm as they both left the house.

_Next chapter: The Bloody Kunai. Let the madness begin! _


End file.
